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MY SPIRITUAL JOURNEY THROUGH MY POEMS DHY December 2018, Asha Kher

I was born in London, England on June 30, 1955 to Indian parents. My father had been posted to London by the Indian Foreign Service as a Clerk with the Diplomatic group. His assignment finished when I was three years old and then we went back to India, along with my brother who was two years older than me.

My parents were Hindu refugees after the partition of India in 1947. They lived in the North West Frontier Province in what is now Pakistan, a very simple rural life in the beautiful hills. They were Hindu minorities and had to escape for their lives and leave their land and riches behind. My grandfather from my mother’s side was shot in a small plane trying to escape from Pakistan.

My parents got married in Dehra Duhn, north India not far from the Himalayas; and my father got a job at the Parliament building and studied for his degree. He was posted to London in 1952 and my brother was born shortly afterwards in 1953. Queen Elizabeth was coronated just after the death of her father King George. There were very few Indians in London in those early days.

I have no recollection of my first three years in England. My first memories are of a carefree simple childhood living in a humble suburban house in the South of New Delhi, the capital of India; my mother stayed home. This poem INDIAN SUMMERS describes my carefree simple preschool days.

INDIAN SUMMERS

Oh! Those lazy hazy days

Hours of delicious thumb sucking

As I watched and reveled

Bells ringing, cycles winding their way

Through crowded streets –

Cars, vendors, buses, trucks, rickshaws;

Cows chewing away

Totally oblivious

Shrieks of delightful fear

As I swing too high

Mothers chatting:

“Ice cream for sale! Ice cream for sale!”

Time stands still for the afternoon siesta

The scorching sun on bare trees

More wonderful thumb sucking

As I lay with my mother

Mesmerized by the fan blades

Racing madly to cool

The beads of sweat on my face.

I splash and play forever in the water

Life stirs again, the heat subsides.

Help daddy make fresh lemonade

We stir and stir till every last ice cube

Is no more

A cool after-dinner walk

Warm, strong hand in the night’s dark;

Familiar voices, neighbors and friends

Fall tired and happy into bed

With my trusted thumb

Gaze at the stars

And float away into

Journeys of endless pleasure into space

Where I know my place;

Queen, Ruler, Center of the Universe.

In those hot Indian summers it was not uncommon to sleep outdoors on the verandah. I remember being totally mesmerized by so many stars in the sky. I would watch them and let them lull me to sleep; they were my friends. It was quite a solitary simple childhood in a two roomed house and minimal furniture and toys.

HOLY INNOCENT

Lying under twinkling stars on a rope bed

Thumb in mouth, eyes full of wonder and glee

In the welcoming cool of the night

After a burning hot summer’s day in India.

Lulled by adult whispers and distant dogs

And the chatter of strollers shuffling by

I feel pristine clean and perfect

As I breathe into my nose and lungs

The fresh scent of mother’s sun dried sheets

Smooth and cold to rub against my toes.

I marvel at the universe out there as

I remember my Home, beautiful and vast

Blanketed by the warmth and love of Father Sky

I drift off to see the heavens above mirrored

Miraculously in a spoon that my hand holds

Where little me becomes a magnificent giant

My first spontaneous inkling and knowing

Of the World created as Macro and Microcosm

Many years later I studied Waldorf education by Rudolf Steiner and realized that the simplicity I had in my early childhood naturally fell into that category. I would wait for my father to come home from my work; he was my hero and it was the days of Prime Minister Nehru in the early sixties.

I recall listening to the radio with my family; I knew something serious was happening with the armed forces; and that there was some kind of a war with China. Nehru had died from the grief of being lied to by the Chinese Premier on his visit to India; when he returned to China he declared war on India and Nehru blamed himself for not seeing that.

My father grieved the death of Nehru terribly; he worked at the Parliament building and he wore the Nehru hat for a long time to show his respect and grief. I was so sensitive to my father’s moods that I grieved his grieving even as a little child. Something in him changed. Now I realize this was also the time that the Dai La Lama escaped to India.

Next thing I knew was that my father decided to go back to London, UK. He would go ahead and get a job and place and my mother, brother and I would follow six months to a year later. I found out years later that my father’s next posting was in China; given the war they would have been confined to Embassy grounds and my brother and I would have to go to boarding school after a certain age.

Those were difficult times for my mother. My father was blacklisted for a Chinese visa as he did not take that posting. Even as a child I was an empath and sensed my mother was always nervous and worried without my father’s presence. I used to have so much alone playtime that I recall pondering on so many things.

I had a sense of soul wonder about the stars and the world. I recall asking my mother what if there were little “beings” living on a spoon for instance; and what if we were tiny little beings to some giants. Perhaps we could fit onto a spoon for these giants. My mother said nothing. And when I asked her where we came from, she kept naming places and told me to run and play when I kept going further back beyond that. I was curious and had a sense of mystery and wonder.

I recall we (mother, brother and I) took a ship from Bombay (now known by the Indian name Mumbai) to Genoa, Italy. We traveled through the Suez Canal on a vessel called Galileo- Galileo, and from Genoa. Italy we took the train through France and landed in Victoria Station, London. I must have been around 9 years old. Those six years or so had a profound effect on me and I remember them vividly. Hindi was my first language and my mother had hired a private tutor for my brother and me to learn English during those months we were waiting to travel to England.

England was a total culture shock; from playing and running freely in the streets, to a very cold ordered life with closed doors, empty streets and a new strange world. I learned English fast and won an award by the second year when I was in the 11 year olds class, for being the top 3 essay writers.

I experienced different slices of British life intensely and with great sensitivity. I first went to a secondary school, then a private Catholic all girls convent high school for young ladies and then finally a grammar school, which was like a magnet school for talented intelligent youngsters bound for good universities.

I went to University of East Anglia in Norwich and then switched to London to complete my degree and finished a postgraduate teaching certificate. My parents would not allow me to accept a teaching job in Paris that I was so thrilled to get. Instead I worked in London and was unhappy at home. There was no cultural continuity between an Indian home and a liberal university of the early seventies (when the hippy era had been in full swing).

I was horrified to learn that I was expected to have an arranged marriage; my trips to India were no longer fun; the heaviness of this responsibility and duty was oppressive; and yet I felt dutybound to this father that I adored and respected. He was a brilliant man. He even chose my career; I filled out my choice of subject as English Literature, Art and Biology.

I always had a passion for literature and writing too. He crossed out the Literature and Art and declared “You are going to be a Doctor” and added Chemisty and Physics to the Biology. Like the obedient dutybound unconscious people pleaser that I was, I took it back to school and hated the last two years of my high school studying subjects that I was not interested in.

Luckily I have a good short term memory and managed to do fine; I did not get into medical school and felt like a failure when I saw my father’s disappointment. Instead I studied Biology and Chemistry with mathematics as a minor and later that helped me open doors to getting teaching jobs.

I realized that my father would leave me alone and reject marriage proposals as long as I was studying. So I decided to go to graduate school in the USA to escape an arranged marriage. I did not have any desire to study per se and soon found myself a teaching job in a private school.

My real passion was literature, and poetry, and I was deeply interested in things spiritual; from yoga to alternative medicine and nutrition. I joined the Arcane School in London before I left in 1981; and my father took me to a lecture at the Vivekananda Society in London. I was so deeply attracted to that and resonated with the lifestyle of the disciples in meditation. I started to go regularly to the west of London and drive to the country to the ashram with Swami Bhavyananda and would visit and enjoy the peace of the grounds.

That holy and “monastic” life appealed to me. I would have tea with Swamiji and was so repelled at the idea of arranged marriage that I literally escaped to USA. When I got there I studied the works of Yogi Ramacharaka as well as for a while I continued my work at the Arcane School even. I gave this up as I found it too dry and intellectual. This was in my twenties.

Within a year my father was after me and traveled to the USA to put pressure on me again to marry, saying that he was getting old and he wanted me to marry before he could retire. And somehow I found myself agreeing to this to please him; and I must have been totally unconscious as I was in for a surprise as to my destiny. I married a good man, was utterly miserable as I betrayed myself and sought to please him and be the perfect Indian wife, even though we had very little in common.

It was a good functional marriage as we are both basically fine people; and two amazing young men are now a result of this marriage. There were many challenges, aka as soul growth, for me and my poems express that. This next poem entitled “Holy Grail” describes my life as a married woman in suburban New Jersey; this poem was part of a pair with the above “Holy Innocent”.

HOLY GRAIL

Lying awake solitary behind closed doors

Dry mouth, curled body collapsed from exhaustion

In the dark stark transparent night of the spirit

After a cool windy day in New Jersey’s fall.

Tormented by tired bones and shattered heart

And the clamor of incessant thoughts

I feel damaged and drained as I dissolve

In the pain of my mind, body and soul.

Senses numbed I play music to soothe.

My breath slows as celestial sounds reverberate and

Mesmeric colors dance and time stands still. Gradually

I awaken to the love and warmth emanating from my heart.

I drift off and hear the still small voice whisper

And guide me to the shining star I AM within.

Tears roll down at the regrets and mistakes

I scramble in gratitude and grovel for forgiveness

As I turn the full circle of evolution and see

That I am loving and accepting my resplendent Self

I recall I started to increase in weight right at the beginning of the marriage. I did not know or understand what was going on as I was not conscious or aware in those days of my late twenties and early thirties. I had been an active person prior to that, my happiness overshadowed by this pressure to have an arranged marriage. As I write this I feel the pain as well as my sense of such duty to my parents and culture; why on earth did I not choose one of the two British amazing young men who wanted to marry me? Was it my destiny or if I was aware and conscious enough to have real free will then things might have been different? Or was it pure and simple karmic liability?

WOMAN READING

Oh there is no escape

Not a single story anywhere here

Can take away the

Burden in my heart

The anxiety in my head

Or the pain of my soul.

Feverishly I turn the bright pages

Full of sunshine and happiness

I watch the words

I know what they mean;

But they do nothing

To lift my dark and sombre spirits.

I would happily trade

All my riches

For the brightness

And sunshine of happiness.

Happy books, passionate books

Books with life

Books about life

Books by people who really lived and loved.

Confined to stuffy chambers

Groping through the pages

For a glimmer of life

For some friend

For some lover

For some fresh scented air

To kindle my fire,

As I stare endlessly, vacantly

Hungrily

Desperately

Rummaging for some morsel

Of joy.

Becoming a mother was the biggest event in my life. Yet I was not able to embrace it within the joy of a happily married woman. I always felt alone and solitary. We were and are both good people devoted to our children and gave the best loving care. I had very little time to myself as a stay home mother of two small children and a house to run. This poem below was written one sunny day in the back garden while the children were at school.

SMALL REVELATIONS

I sit here with the sun dripping

Down on my limbs

Warming my very bones.

I smell the fresh scented air

The birds sing about me

An endless song,

Celebrating the joy of this moment.

Why are we humans not like them?

I see a beautiful splash of color

Before my eyes

Exquisite golds, browns and reds-

The leaves sway

Causing the light to dance about them,

Casting shadows in the pond,

Where the fish swim around and around

Content to be.

Do they ever worry like us?

I hear the distant chimes now;

The groundhog has shuffled away.

The sun beating down on my head

Numbs my thoughts.

I survey the grass around me-

Each blade smiles a contented smile

Beckoning me.

Unlike existentialists, but do they know it?

I lay down and close my eyes

My body feels toasty and warm;

I float away to far off places

Created by my thoughts and feelings.

Only we can know and enjoy that!

I surrender to the silence.

No space confines me, time stands still.

I am the birds, the fish, the grass;

I am the melodious chimes;

I am everything, everywhere.

And I am eternally grateful.

I always maintained my interest in things spiritual, and continued readings, spiritual groups, poetry groups and I even facilitated a Creative Writing group in the greater Princeton area. I had left my Doctoral program in Creative Arts in Education as my children and life took up so much time; that I ended up with a double Master’s.

My ex-husband was more married to his work and did the best he could; but we were poles apart in so many ways. We were not on the same page or even the same book on many things. We were both fine people held together by good solid traditional values. Yet I could not deny the messages from my soul too long; my health was being effected. Things were too serious and this poem below captures this well.

CHOOSING ME

Chasing butterflies, running free

Hot summer days in total harmony

Sweet innocence and laughter

I became the obedient daughter

Tuned to each and every vibration

I started to deny my inner sensation

Conventions, rules and traditional ways

Pleasing others filled my days

An awakening stirred within me

As soon as I entered my teens

My soul reminded me of my true self

Through meditation, yoga and alternate health.

My friends had boyfriends and carefree sex

I left my piano and violin for state tests

No one ever asked me for a slow dance

Because I would not deliver, no chance.

There was always something deep within me

That longed to be wild and free

It wasn’t till I went to university

That I got a glimpse of my destiny

A new world of music, poetry and art

Found its way into my heart

As well as the love of a true man

Who cherished and loved me as I am.

Philosophy, literature and sociology

At the expense of my degree in biology

A whole new world for me to explore

Surrounded by sex, drugs and rock & roll.

Learnings and stirrings, ups and downs

I found my way to new country and new town

Left England to escape an arranged marriage

And study mysticism, esoterica and courage

Still duty bound and not able to love self

My father worried I would be left on the shelf

I met a loving man who did not irritate me

And decided to bond with him in matrimony.

Our love was simple and good

I had to show him my hood

I did not know what was going on

But soon I started to weigh a ton.

Confused, bewildered and no one to talk to

I plunged deeper into the world of wah-woo

With a good heart, purity and innocence

I succeeded in denying my inner sense

Seeking to manifest perfection

In each and every action

The perfect wife, and later a mother

My first lessons in true love for another

I threw myself with full splendour

Into mainstream America with all its glamour

Mother Mary would come to me occasionally

Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

But I was too busy chasing illusions

And became a little OCD

My children became my focus

My love, and my lasting legacy

So many trials and errors

I don’t remember them all

Motherhood was my passion

And my ultimate downfall.

Back full circle to no love of self

I gave and gave till none was left

I did not know what to expect

But was not treated with respect

I did not know what I deserve

Till I went to Peru and observed

The divine feminine stir deeply within me

And saw me as good humanity

The boys grew up wholesome and bold

Despite my crazy obsessive hold

Behavior problems but kind loving souls

Fine young men beautiful to behold

With sons away at college

And husband out of town

I saw myself anew

And how I was rundown

I had let myself go to pot

Not knowing what was what

Unable to walk with damaged feet

Had to leave work for some respite

It’s a tribute to the human condition

That I had not dropped dead

With so much violation

And so much left unsaid

My grief and pain was soothed

With precious girlfriends, my sisterhood

My soul’s yearning for the Beloved

Was reflected in a man I cherished

It was painful this blissful love

So sweet to find a twin

From God up above

But he would not let me in

I knew my true eternal partner

Was within me

That is the only place for

True matrimony

So much wisdom gained over time

But I could not make it truly mine

Still seeking and needing from the external

I decided to prioritize the internal

And removed myself from things not conducive

To indulge in what I found seductive

In solitary retreat I waited for God

Only to find myself lonely and bored

I love life and people, food and art

That’s where I find God for a start

In intimacy and reciprocal confidences shared

We all need to belong to our tribe and our herd

I still yearn for love in the template of a man

And deal with it the best I can

I am a good person you know

And humble enough to continue to grow

I’m still needy and confused sometime

Independent and powerful at other times

Blessed with wondrous people in my life

I no longer want to be a wife

I walk alone with God by my side

Knowing my perfect companion is inside

In stillness and the silence of my heart I dare

Onward and upward with life out there

In the world and not of it

I am, Amen, and so be it

I think therefore I can

Be still and know I am.

Just reading this and revisiting this is cathartic and powerful. It took me almost ten years to leave the marriage. I fought it and I knew it would hurt my husband horribly. I fulfilled all my responsibilities to both my sons, and waited for them to finish college and get established in their career pursuits. I was getting more and more miserable and depressed as the above poem describes. My mobility was seriously effected too.

I bought a condo in Toronto for my father so that my parents could move there; however they ended up retiring back in India after almost sixty years in London. So I ended up with this liability of a condo; which later became a gift to me. Being an empty nester I was able to get away to this condo as it needed to be checked and I used it as an excuse to get away to write.

I recall the freedom and joy I felt when I was alone away in Toronto. I actually enjoyed silence and solitude, and at the same time I felt utterly lonely. Plus I started to project my feelings and longings for the template of a man externally. Here is a poem of joyful hope and wonder written while watching sunrise on Lake Ontario from the condo.

IN TRUTH AND TRUST

Mesmeric colors no man can create

Sweep the sky and kiss the lake

Swaying swans in sweet slumber

In gentle repose heads tucked under

I watch in awe at Love’s manifestation

On this day of sacred celebration

Shimmering diamonds dance on each wave

Bathe and soothe my heart, my crave

The winged ones fly and sing

Declaring the joy that dawn brings

The daily miracle as night turns to day

Harbinger of promises of a new way

A new way of being, of doing

Of beholding with eyes wide open

Because now I see you, here and there

Now I feel you everywhere

In panting puppy running faster

Fetching ball for doting master

As father holding innocent hand

Guiding his little girl up to stand

So much love all around

Sometimes lost, sometimes found

Solidified in the rocks and trees

Etherealized in the clouds and breeze

Cracks open my heart and spills a tear

With an intensity I can hardly bear

The love was inside me all along

I only recognized it in a song

Now this love travels far and wide

In every part of my inside

From my toes to my nose

I feel your presence oh so close

No more struggle to capture

Arms embracing in blissful rapture

No more promises, hopes and wishes

Of secret and enchanting kisses

You are in me and I am in you

You penetrate and interpenetrate

My body and my soul

And we merge into One whole

Back to the future

And now and now

For this is the moment

To align and allow

Fast forwarding I was able to move to a house by myself; I can only describe this as a miracle as I could not find a way out of the marriage. I come from a traditional Indian Hindu background where divorce is not an option and it was deeply inculcated in me too. The way things and life unfolded with hurricanes and sale of houses that we ended up with two homes for a while.

This allowed me more time alone in New Jersey and the courage to do what my soul had been beckoning me to do for years; divorce and leave the marriage. My physical, emotional and mental health was in a terrible state and I regret I was not a better mother to my sons. Hindsight is always perfect and we all do the best we can with what we know and have then.

I had already joined the Morya School and was invited by Tuija Robbins to become a Blue Rose Sister. Motherhood had always been a very very important part of my life, connecting with Mother Mary while in Catholic school and teaching at Catholic school. Then there was my trip to Peru, and a reconnection with my Hindu upbringing with the divine feminine as Goddess Lakshmi through the Blue Rose Sisters.

I had continued my spiritual journey intensely through the marriage with my independent travels, groups and conferences. This was a struggle in some ways, not only because I was doing things alone from my ex, but because it was viewed as an inconvenience and indulgence, and not truly respected. My ex mentioned my conferences and friends as being “whacko” to my sons and made fun of them. They all seemed to view it like that.

So here I was living alone, less lonely, scared at what my future life would be like, but so happy to finally be free. My spiritual life started to come to the forefront, and not be an inconvenient hobby and I started to write poems again. I realized that my soul could and would come through my poetry. This coincided, synchronized is a better word, with the coming of the December 2012 when there was a huge planetary shift too. So this really was a new life for me on many levels.

THE DAY OF CONCEPTION

I prepare with anticipation for the annunciation
Gabriel's trumpet sounds and beckons
the Holy Mother and her blue rose sisters
precious souls prepared for many lifetimes

stars and planets all well aspected
candles lit, air purified and freshly scented
expectant with new possibilities
chalice filled with healing water

celestial music cracks open my heart
i become still and know that
I AM at One with all that is and
enter the infinite moment of now

the power of the divine feminine
burns and lights each cell with cosmic fire
holy voice smooth as silk calls in
Sanat Kumara's august presence

i sob at His majesty and utter compassion
revel in the magnificent presence
just being, absolutely still and silent,
i know and touch my inheritance

Omnipresent love shines the light of truth
on all that is dark and hidden
forgiveness of self and other, releasing
silent tears roll down my cheeks

intense density, heavy burden is lifted
and transmuted into potential possibilities
harbinger of a new day, new life to be
birthed into the future, on earth right now

nausea shifts into calm presence
as i feel the Beloved come inside
and enter my body, mind and soul
and I am impregnated with Love

I touch my soft belly and my breasts
And conceive myself anew as beautiful
My womb to manifest limitless potential
Fertilized lily opens its exquisite petals

Mother earth is matter sanctified
Venus is the abode of the soul
Held by the will of Father Helios
Blessed Trinity above and below

I laugh with joy at this wondrous
Gift of life and the Holy Grail
As we children become Suns
and expand the Kingdom's borders

We were the experiment of free will
And with all the blood, sweat and tears
And the ultimate compassion and love
Of the woman to accept imperfection

To receive into her body and hold it
And raise it back up into Father-Mother God
Rent open the veil, enter the stargate portal
And open her third eye for the light of God

So let us walk the earth, you and I
breathing, walking, living and dancing
Pregnant with new life, this time seeded
with solar perfection for us to download

and let us claim and celebrate our victory and joy
and if we are imperfect some times and places
we hold that in the harmony of our true being
and be our sisters keepers in the critical mass

the point has tipped, gestation at warp speed
all is well and our victory is assured
as we enjoy the ride with all its twists and turns
let go of the old and let God in the new.

We are Lakshmi's ambassadors of love
In all we say, do, touch and radiate
Conception at the level of cause always gives
Birth to new initiation and manifestation

My ex and I stayed on cordial terms during the separation; it was a strange and confusing and difficult time. I really believe that events conspired to help me live alone and leave the marriage. I could not have written and composed the strange circuitous sequence of events that conspired to help me make the move.

Just before the December 2012 shift I attended a conference with the group I had been a part of since the eighties called “Ascended and Free” at Oahu, Hawaii. Before going to the conference I went to Diamond Head where the first Harmonic Convergence was celebrated in 1987 by Patricia Cota-Robles. She was one person I met in 1984 right after the marriage and I worked with her as well as Sadhguru from India quite closely and deeply. I wrote this next poem at Diamond Head.

ASCENDED AND FREE

Sensual rhythmic sounds penetrate

My body sways and gyrates

I breathe in the warm ocean breeze

Heart and soul imbibing pure bliss

Happy joyous and free

I surf the waves of inequity

All pain and discomfort fades

Time stands still in paradise

Saffron and auburn dust the clouds

Majesty of the rising sun announced

Dazzling brilliant solar crystal

Energizes life and dispels all evil

Wind brushes hair and kisses me

I am pregnant with possibilities

My womb stirs with the miracle of creation

Comforts me to trust and celebration

White winged wonder flies to me

Remembrance of sacred beauty

The holy dove from up above

Naught in the world but God’s love

A mist of rain sprinkles my face

Showering me with God’s grace

At Diamond Head, now a mountain

Dormant volcano where it all began

There were many painful challenges from living alone to actually finally getting the divorce; and it did happen finally in 2014, just a month shy of what would have been our thirtieth anniversary. It was difficult and strange, especially in my culture how a divorced woman is perceived. Slowly I realized that the words “Indian woman” is just a partial description and not really who I AM. Here is a poem I wrote two years later.

TODAY I AM 61

Or sweet 16 transposed

Reeling in pain and discomfort

To the bowels of hell

Three times and back

It has been one intense year so far.

Letting go, releasing more and more

Never ending purification

Till all I can do is just

Breathe and be present

And surrender and trust

It is a benevolent universe

I can see clearly now

All the paradigms have gone

Veils have been lifted

The light of my soul shines

No more tears, no more fears

Loving whatever arises

No more longings and yearnings

For the template of a man

I am my best lover

The loneliness no longer cuts so deeply

My angels, guides and spirits

Are my constant divine accompaniment

Lift up my heart and soul

In the darkest night of the spirit

What a strange and wondrous creation

Is this mother earth and humanity

To sink so deep into matter

Ill fated choices and temptations

Crucifixions and resurrections

The ultimate secret is what you focus on

With the power of your attention

Every thought, word, action and feeling

Can spiral to ecstasy and bliss

Or go down a rabbit hole

I am power; I am woman

My feet walk on hallowed ground

My nostrils inhale the scented air

My ears enjoy the song of birds

My eyes see only perfection and beauty

And my heart is a source

Of radiant love and light

As I chase this milk chocolate truffle

With a sip of strong hot tea

To celebrate my birthday

Today I am 61, and I start life anew.

So now it is almost the end of this year 2018; it has been a powerful year of intense challenges, not only for myself, but for many people on the planet. Astrologically it has been very interesting. I thought things would be significantly better and easier after the divorce; it has been over four years now since it was official.

However I feel the challenges are more with my relationship to my higher Soul Self, rather than personality and interpersonal issues. I took the high road in what I told my sons as reasons for divorcing in not trying to negatively impact their relationship with their father. However it backfired on me. And I am slowly working to heal and foster a wonderful relationship with my sons; we all dearly love each other and they are both amazing young men.

With my ex it is a challenge to keep boundaries; there has been so much betrayal to deal with, especially with respect to money and I can only look at myself and why these things have manifested in my life -at a soul level they are my creation. So the journey continues with more awareness and consciousness, and a stronger vertical connection. It will take me a while to trust others again; and one can never presume to know another with one’s own filters and paradigms. This next poem was written at the beginning of this year 2018.

BAPTISM BY FIRE

If I can be very very still

Stay put, truly focused

Not indulge in thoughts & pains

If I can see the light within

Its subtle luminosity

Will burn my way through the fog

When there is chaos and confusion

And all collapses around me

Let my breath nourish me

I rest in the eye of the spin

Centered in silent retreat

BE still …….. and know

That I AM in my heart

I AM with me, as me, in me

I am loved, I AM love

I rest powerful like Shiva

Reflective, strong and resolute

Totally knowing and trusting.

This next one was written in September after a very challenging few months where I had to deal with betrayal and fraud from a cousin of a large amount of money. The issue of trust came up as well as empowering myself as the divine feminine and letting the Kali aspects of Lakshmi emerge.

It was such a difficult decision and I am still dealing with this unresolved issue. It has made me increase my first ray Will forces, become empowered and use my head as well as know that I am worthy of and deserve equitable treatment. That was a major issue in my marriage and there I betrayed myself the most. So much purification and refinement of the personality self only to find more and more seemingly never ending layers to purify.

In August this year there were so many major transformations both personally and globally I felt. Things seem to turn around and I was able to shift perspectives and paradigms. Then I strongly felt pulled to go to another Ascended and Free conference in Mexico, despite many challenges and mobility issues.

I have not mentioned the mobility issues but they happened in my marriage; and I believe were symptomatic of my not moving forward and pain and misery. I realize that if I was better aligned and more empowered I could be walking and moving well today. That can cause me incredible grief and yet at some level I understand this disability has enabled my soul’s mission to some extent.

My life is a quiet simple life now, two days before the dawn of 2019. I enjoy a lot of silence and solitude, and paradoxically I am also very lonely. I try hard not to betray myself nowadays, although surprisingly I am still hard-wired to be a people pleaser and catch myself and I am aware of it. I check for my soul’s resonance; etherically there are deep imprints of past behaviors in this lifetime for sure. I am able to have love for these people like my ex as well as my cousin who frauded me out of money. And I am learning healthy boundaries too.

I consciously and actively pushed aside my problems and raised my vibration in preparation for my first grandchild and this conference that I felt it was so important to go to. I used my will forces and succeeded in switching vibrations victoriously. Here is a poem I wrote in anticipation of the baby’s birth. I felt such a deep connection as I saw a smile on his face in the 3D ultrasound.

WELCOME

The anticipation and excitement

Coupled with patience and acceptance

All heavenly states rolled into one

At the imminent arrival of my grandson

I know we have met before

In ancient time and far distant yore

You have come to bless us all

With a fresh newness since our fall

All the hoopla and the rah rah

You travel from Suns so far

A gift from Mother Father God

To this new earth you never trod

Welcome sweet little angel

Resting and smiling in your sanctuary

Silently ready and willing

To add joy and pure simplicity

Every time I see your little face

My world lights up with grace

I will not worry, just surrender

To your knowing and endeavor

On October 13^th I became a grandmother. The level and depth of love I feel for my grandson is something I would not have understood before. It is a deep soul connection and so unconditional. I understand the meaning of Rumi like poetry of sentences like “You are in my very breath” and the romantic longings and illusions.

In the same month, a week or so after his birth, I went to Mexico for the Ascended and Free conference and I visited the Mayan pyramid at Uxmal, where I encountered the image of the Sun Faced Priest. My grandson has a very round face and looks very peaceful with his eyes closed in one photo of his and that prompted me to write this next poem.

THE SUN FACED PRIEST

Rhythmic drums beat ceremony in searing heat

As I wind my way through the pyramid grounds

Receiving wondrous unknown blessings

Knowing the Eternal Flame in the Heart

As My Godhood, the jewel in the lotus

That I AM radiant light and love, always

My heart is cracked open with this Sun faced priest

The sweetest ball of vulnerability and love

A precious gift from the Holy Dove

Who are you, dear sweet angelic child?

From which star in the sky did you fly?

What wisdom lies in the deep recesses of your eyes?

You stir up so much family karma and drama

Release and heal stuck past trauma

All united in our love and gratitude for you

We run around and create ourselves anew

I know and feel your strength and power

As I learn to trust more and fully surrender

This journey has anchored a deep knowing and trusting of the eternal threefold flame within me. I always wanted to be a source of radiant light and love. My mantra was I AM radiant light and love. Only now am I beginning to appreciate what that means at a deep profound and quantum physics level. This trip really helped me know my identity within as Eternal Flame radiating light and love. This last poem explains it with a little bit of humor; how I decided to incarnate with a strong connection to the divine feminine.

JEWEL IN THE LOTUS

There was a young girl from Venus

Who decided she did not want a penis

She landed on Mother Earth

With a belly full of mirth

Was happy and content to suck her thumb

Till the matrix made her totally numb

Disease, illness, depression, sadness

How could she escape this damn madness

She looked here and there and everywhere

Gurus, teachers, friends and literature

Mountains, valleys, silence and solitude

Striving for discipline and for fortitude

Then one day all of a sudden

Because she could not see her bellybutton

She decided to look inside, into her heart

Opened it wide, now life began to start

She knew she was eternal flame

Nothing in life needed a name

She is the shining jewel in the lotus

Radiant light and love without having to focus.

Writing poetry has been a gift to me; after years of dry spells in the marriage I started writing once or twice a year, then every now and then, and now at least once a month. I hope to make it a daily practice as it is my soul talking to me. My poetry is my Soul communicating. And thanks to this paper, I now plan to publish some of my poetry.